Today is an extremely important day for me. It’s a day I
didn’t know at times I’d meet, and a day that won’t ever be scrubbed away from
my mind.
Today is a year since I had an experience 1 in 5 women in
the UK have had the unpleasantness of experiencing. The horror and the revulsion
of experiencing something I wish no one to experience.
I speak quite candidly on this blog; it as after all where I
post my predicaments as a fashion lover and English student. However this is
something I will not go into detail, as some things are better not only left
unsaid, but something I don’t want to be read in depth. No details are needed
as this experience and my emotions are valid enough. This took me a long time
to understand, as I want you reading this to understand and accept. Emotions
are valid; they are important and are what make us what we are, they are not something
that render you weaker nor are they things you must supress. You will be
feeling something for a reason, I can assure you. Please do not shun them.
Please.
Today it’s been a year and I can’t believe I made it. I feel
so free and more myself than I have been the past 12 months. And I’m writing this to look back on and I am
writing this to tell you that no matter what, you are capable. You may not
believe it, but you are strong. You are made of titanium and steel, of tree
roots and mountain peaks. You are able to move and shift your own world and you
are capable of so much more than you will think you are now. I am telling you
this because I didn’t think I was strong. I thought I was weak, whittled down
to an experience of hands that might never stop staining my skin no matter how
much I washed. I believed I was nothing, I believed the dirt would never leave
my skin and I believed that no person would ever accept me after I told my
tale.
That’s bullshit. I know after my past year of wrestling with
so many emotions and conflicting opinions, of deserted friends and of bright
suns that beamed into my life, that every single terrible thing I thought of
myself was bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.
Today you might feel exhausted. You might feel low, empty or
sad. You might feel misunderstood or alone. You might be thrashing with mental
demons that not even your closest friend knows of. So what I can say to you is
that you’re strong. You are stronger than you know, and right now everything
may look like dirt and you don’t know when suns will bathe you in warmth but it
is coming. It’s coming and I know it is, because when terrible things happen to
you they are not meant to stay. An experience doesn’t define you. You are more
than a moment than can chase you for any period of time.
I’m saying this because I know. Today I type away on a day I
didn’t know if I would see. Today I am feeling so free and so powerful, so much
more than I did a year ago when I felt I was stripped of the ability to feel at
home in my own body. It is terrifying me to write this but I want every person
who reads this to know that we are all strong and free and powerful. We have
abilities we do not right now know we have, we have voices and rights, and we
are so beautifully, so fucking incredibly strong.
Today I slam close a chapter in my life I won’t revisit.
Today I stamp down on that final page and I say good-fucking-bye.
Today I stand tall and proud and point a middle finger to
that memory.
Today I feel free, I feel like myself once more.
Today I say ‘fuck you, fuck you to hell and back’ because I
am untouchable.
Today I am Lou, I am Louise fucking Ramsay and I’m never
letting a man or an experience push me down again.
Today is the start of a page I didn’t know I had missed out
on, and a day I rip away a scribbled page I stumbled upon too long.
Today is a day I will remember forever.
Today, I am free.
Lou x
Labels: girl power, life
