Predicaments of a Fashion Lover: THE B WORD

The B word. One of the most dreaded words as the countdown to Christmas begins. It pricks uncomfortably in the air once uttered, stilted conversation now at a standstill as all attention veers down to the bottom of the table, eyes trained fiercely to their Christmas dinner or unashamedly straight to your face. Yes, I’m talking about the boyfriend question.

When it comes to family get-togethers, Christmas arguably being the biggest, there’s the small issue of catching everyone up to what’s going on in your life. Now, normally this concerns questions on your job, your future ya-da ya-da but there’s also the tricky, tiny catalytic question on boyfriends. I call it a catalyst because this one query sparks hundreds more questions from the questionnaires side and thousands of varying emotions from the person answering.

Now I’m not too sure what your relationship is with your grandparents, aunts, cousins etc but I don’t really speak up about a person unless I’m mad about them and we’re together. Sounds simple enough, but for those of us who aren’t exactly in a, ahem, committed place with someone it can get tricky.

The thing is, I’ve had my fair share of shitty ex’s. Be in long relationships, short relationships, flings you name it I have someone I look back and go “well he was a total knob, wasn’t he?” So relationship, well failure for want of a better word, got me thinking a lot about what exactly goes right and wrong in a relationship. This could range from things in common to sex. Makes you think of it as a dirty scientific equation, X goes into Y which equals RELATIONSHIP or DOOMED, GET OUT QUICK.

‘Commitment is you saying HELLO WORLD. I FOUND SOMEONE AND I DON’T WANT TO LET THEM GO. I DON’T KNOW HOW IT’S GOING TO END UP BUT THIS HUMAN IS THE HUMAN I CHOOSE TO DEDICATE A PORTION OF MY TIME TO.’

Anyway, I’m getting distracted. The boyfriend question. I have a particular dislike for this little question because if you answer no it gives the impression to your family members (in a girls case anyway) that you’re a hopeless spinster in the face of love, who probably needs to get laid and is incredibly sad being single. The word ‘single’ starts to sound, and feel, like a disease at this point. There’s a bit of coughing and chair shuffling around the table, a lot of eyes on you and anticipation at what your defence is going to be against the dreaded ‘single’ prospect. The person posing the question is more than likely one of your grandparents; mine is usually my granddad. When I tell him cheerfully ‘nope, no one I’m seeing just now’ he tells me what a beautiful/wonderful girl I am and I’ll find someone soon (you can imagine how that can prick my skin juuuuust a little). But they do ask because in their generation, they were married young and had kids young. Being nearly 20 and not having a long relationship in 2 years? Yeah, they worry.

But there’s the thing. You can’t exactly tell your grandparents, or other family members for that matter, “I’m not seeing anyone just now but I did hook up with X a few nights ago”. Isn’t there a social law of spilling your one night stands and flings at the Christmas dinner? I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon. I’m also pretty sure my family members don’t want, or even see me as the person who can have one night stands or short flings. Hell, some of my friends don’t even know about my love life.

A long time ago I left a pretty shitty relationship and decided never to waste time with someone I didn’t feel a real, deep connection with. At the time I was petrified I would never find someone to have this connection with. I know it’s crazy – we have over 7 billion humans puttering away on this planet, the likelihood of finding a partner isn’t impossible. But then I went to university and BAM new world, new people, new life, ne- oh shit he’s cute. He’s really cute. And then I experienced a connection close to what I was looking for, this darling little sapling of new I hardly knew how to connection vowels together to convey just how pretty he looked at 4 am. This poor sapling died before it had a chance to grow, but in it’s death I got to grips with how to build a foundation of a relationship and what I really like in someone. And there I realised just how big a deal commitment is.

Commitment is you saying HELLO WORLD. I FOUND SOMEONE AND I DON’T WANT TO LET THEM GO. I DON’T KNOW HOW IT’S GOING TO END UP BUT THIS HUMAN IS THE HUMAN I CHOOSE TO DEDICATE A PORTION OF MY TIME TO. Like, sorry to be ineloquent but holy sh*t, that’s a big deal. That is you giving up the time you could spend alone doing things you like, the solo shopping trips, the quiet coffee stops, the spare time you spend having afternoons lying around in just your knickers reading a book. To find someone and go ‘yeap, this is the one I’m choosing today and every day after’ is a big decision. I know at the time, when you’re looking at them it can seem like the easiest thing in the world. But to get there, to sacrifice your time to learn about them, deciding you’re going to give even a night to them as you edge towards falling in love is a big thing.

I love love. I adore watching couples in coffee shops or walking around town. I love seeing people who look like opposites laughing and I love seeing couples who look so identical it’s actually a bit freaky. It’s simple; I love love. But around Christmas time, it’s hard to explain the Commitment Theory.

The Commitment Theory is finding someone you have a deep connection with and deciding to spend your free time with them, whenever and wherever you can. It’s choosing someone over and over again at each passing day and never regretting it.

But not having someone you’re willing to commit to? That makes the b word a bit harder to stomach.

There’s nothing wrong with being single. Being single doesn’t mean being lonely, even if it gives the impression to your family. But like I said, you can’t exactly spill out your love life in between servings to turkey or passing the cranberry sauce. I might be ineloquent but I’m not dumb – and I don’t want to give anyone heart attacks before the Doctor Who Christmas Special. I might miss it in between the commotion.

This Christmas my boys and girls, instead of the gift of giving presents, lets give the gift of giving ourselves a little breathing room and our family a small smile and a short answer. After all, the Commitment Theory is long and not everyone will understand it. And after all, the fun of being single outweighs the b word. Especially if your b word is actually a g word.